Why aren't we talking about this?

Honestly, I NEED to know. I've sat around patiently for the past 10 years, waiting for a reasonable explanation, but no one's talkin. But, who has the answer? I don't even know who to ask. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Joey (the techie at my school), Jeeves? And where did the name even come from? Where I come from, you'd get your mouth washed out with soap if you called someone this on the playground.

I mean, really, what the bleep is a "Wingding," and what is its function? Why are there 12 options of it in my font list? If only Arial could get there act together and create that many varieties. Certainly nobody has ever scrolled through and thought, "Oh good, I do have Wingdings 3." And to add insult to injury, Wingding's hipper more modern little brother has the audacity to take up even more space in my already tired list of options. Webdings, you are not welcome here. And on your way out, could you grab ESRI Crime Analysis and ESRI Enviro Hazard Incident (disturbing titles, no?) and any other font that doesn't have any kind of Latin-based alphabet?

If I did write Steve Jobs a letter, it would look something like this:

I'm glad I got that off my chest. That was emotionally exhausting. I'll save my question about why Words With Friends on the iPhone is quite possibly the most addictive substance on the planet for another day. Phew.

Back-handed

Don't you love back-handed compliments? Most moms do. Recently, the teacher across the hall from me has ended up offending me anytime he has attempted a compliment. I shouldn't care. He's 60 years old and has a cabin built around his desk (fire hazard), but alas, I usually find myself unable to muster the proper response.

Case in point-

A few minutes ago, he stopped by my classroom on his way out. All year he has been hassling me about staying too late after contract hours. Today his comment hit a little too close to home: "Hey, if you keep staying so late, you won't have a choice BUT to make this a lifetime profession." Hmm. . . might that insinuate that my staying late is what is keeping me from being married? Thanks. Ah, career.

Luckily I caught my actual facial expression on camera (below)

*Please tell me you've all seen "Muriel's Wedding."

Daily mom emails

(This is my niece Bailey's favorite pic of my mom)

(Without wind, her hair looks like this)

The highlight of my 20s has been spending a great deal of time with my mom. I really like her. My mom knows that the only way to get a hold of me during the day is through email (I teach school and it is poor form to text. Plus, mom is not allowed to text. AT&T and I say so). Consequently, she emails me, and the rest of her children, short emails throughout the day. I've come to look forward to funny comments/questions arriving from her. Sometimes the humor is intentional, other times, not as much. Either way, I can't help but laugh. Here are a few gems I dug up in my inbox. I've protected the innocent names of any person who may be mentioned. Siblings: Mom doesn't know how to look at my blog, please don't show her this one.

Before leaving on a trip to California:

"Chelsey, Here is the detailed weather report over the 'Pass'...please take a down jacket. I know that (name) and (name) will help with the body heat, but maybe you should take some extra Hershey bars just in case you can't get over the pass for a few hours. Lots of times there will be a truck that slides out or jack knifes and you just have to wait several hours to get by. It does say that there will be significant snow accumulation tomorrow night. Mom"

- Apparently Hershey bars are the survival food of choice. Hmmm.

Mom's panic about her clothing purchase. WARNING-This is only funny if you've heard the dirty rhyme in junior high about the Man from Nantucket:

"I really thought Chelsey was kidding me on Sunday. I wore a shirt from American Eagle that said, 'Man from Nantucket' on it when my home teachers came over. I thought it said, 'I am from Nantucket' when I bought it for $3.00 at TJMAXX. Oh, dear, I went on line and typed in 'man from Nantucket' and up came a joke about the man from Nantucket. It's so horrible I can't repeat. What must my home teachers think? I can't even call (name) and tell her that I didn't know what it said or meant because she is in Chile for a month and her husband is home by himself. And I can't call his 17 year old companion's parents because they'll think I'm sick. I still can't believe it. I'm just toooo innocent sometimes...and blind. Don't know what to do. Mom"

Love hearing my mom recount conversations with teenagers:

"Just talked to (name) and he said his grandpa was made stake president last weekend. He also said school is boring but that he is doing okay. He also has lots of girls in love with him. Last stake dance he decided to ask this great big girl to dance because she had never danced before. Now she won't leave him alone. Wants his phone number and HIM. He's really a good kid. Just doesn't have much to do. If it wasn't for his grandparents he would be very bored. They have been a great blessing in his life. Mom"

-And, I love her term, "great big girl."

While trying to navigate facebook, mom is often horrified by some requests:

"Goodness, (Old ward member) just invited me to play Mafia Wars???? Mom"

More facebook commentary:

"I just saw that mobile picture you have posted of me on facebook...off now!!!"

Truly funny. Sometimes she has the hardest requests:

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up. Well, not actually... I brought my garbage can in from the curb and when I got it to the house 'it' fell over and I can't get it up because of my shoulder. After school do you think you could swing by and put it upright for me? Don't hurry. It's up against the house. I just can't put anything in it if I need to do so. Thanks"

In response to a picture my sister had emailed to the family:

"Give me a break. Did someone pump up my breasts? I'll never wear that outfit again."

The answer to this question is NO:

"I agree. She is sooooooo Lacy. Adorable. By the way, I bought you a pair of Ed Hardy jeans tonight. Do you like that brand? Mom"

Oh mom!