Single + Christmas = Awesome

Man, am I relieved. Nothing is worse than having a boyfriend or husband at Christmas. As you know, I am pinching my pennies these days, and nothing costs more than love. This year, as well as many past years, I won't be spending any portion of my paycheck on a watch/polo/ferrari key chain for a significant "other." Nope, I am able to spend my money as I please. This year, I plan on purchasing gifts for family members, of course. But, since most of them are women, I'll most likely pick myself up a duplicate in my own size. Win, win. As for those pesky holiday songs about lovers, let's just say that on the 13th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some much needed space.

Here are some dumb pictures:

Billzzzz

I used to tell people I came from money. This was of course, a joke. My dad was a public school teacher (very rewarding in other non-financial spheres) and my mom was a full-time personal assistant for me and my 6 siblings (unpaid). However, like a coal miner's daughter, "we had love, and that's the one thing that daddy made sure of." When I went off to college, I told many people my last name was Chipman, the name of our dormitory. I liked to say, "Hi, my name is Chelsey Chipman, heiress to the Chipman fortune." If they ever asked how we made our money, I usually said that my grandfather had planted a Money Tree years before, and we were reaping its "fruits." Very few people got the joke, mostly because they were heirs in their own right and had no reason to discount my story. As I've gotten older, money has played a larger role in my life.

Recently, I have become obsessed with my billzzz. Not like Benjamins, but like utilities. In this process I have realized that I have a slight obsessive-compulsive complex when it comes to my finances. I have a very small calculator that sits by my computer where I type in hypothetical scenarios of bill payments very regularly. I often think up situations where I only leave $250 a month for "other expenses." Things like, food, gas, clothes, other shopping, etc., you know, the not so necessaries???? Then, I try and live on said budget for approximately 3 days, only to realize that my savings plan is impossible. I'm greedy, but not for stuff, well that too, but for a bank account. I want to be able to watch "Mad Money" in peace. Or be thinking, "Man Suze Orman, I am way ahead of you." Instead, I get sulky and go buy myself some take out and make a visit to my next-door neighbor, the University Mall.

Really, all I'm trying to do is impress my high school Econ. teacher, Ms. Wara. She explained one fateful day in class that if at age 18, you saved $50 a month and put that income into a 6% interest building account (mythical, Ms. Wara) that you would be a millionaire by age 55. I want to do the same. Instead, I am plagued by the genius of a few ladies, known to most of us as "Destiny's Child:"

"can you pay my bills?

can you pay my telephone bills?

can you pay my automo'bills?

then maybe we can chillI

don't think you do

so you and me are through"

But, you know what they say, "Mo' money, mo' problems."

Why my job's the greatest this time of year.

I must take a moment to express some Halloween hillarity. I am lucky enough to spend my Halloween day every year in a junior high. I cannot express fully in words what a great time this can be. At this point in the maturity process school parties are passe, trick or treating is undefined, and boy-girl parties are nothing but awkward. Nonetheless these pre-pubescents still love the holiday. Interesting. On paper it seems like misery, but they don't know that yet. Instead, as an outsider I can look and laugh.

Often I ask the question to groups of kids, "Hey, what do really cool 14-year-olds like yourself do for Halloween?" Here are some responses from today:

"Ummmmm." This came from a boy in bat wings.

"I don't know, probably blow up some pumpkins or something." Wow, me too.

"My mom has a rule about trick or treating past 12." Do I sense some sadness about the topic?

"Watch a movie." Followed by about 2 minutes of giggling.

Another great part about the day, is getting to see the costumes. The halls are littered with parent humor, ill-fitting pimp suits, and wings of every creature. I often imagine that they left the house with a degree of confidence, probably fostered by a mother telling them they looked adorable. The second they walk through the doors that confidence has diminished to nothing. They are walking with heads down at a pretty brisk rate. This was communicated nicely today by a 4'5" 7th grader dressed as a homeless person carrying a sign that read, "Will work for food." Apparently this little girl was not so sure of her drawn-in beard and she was bee-lining towards the bathroom. Of course, I was also involved in a traffic jam caused by a young lady with an 8' wingspan. Eyes were being taken out at a very fast rate. Embarrassing. And, needless to say I always get a kick out of the cross-dressers. However, my favorite costume of the day was worn by the biggest tom boy in school. She came as a beauty pageant contestant. I laughed my head off.

A little middle school fun, on quite possibly my favorite holiday.

The Longest Day

For any of you out there who are/or were borderline obsessive about the 90s phenomenon known as "Dawson's Creek," this title is for you. For those of you not quite as devoted to Wednesday nights, "The Longest Day" was a key episode of the WB's teen dramady in which Joey Potter (Mrs. Cruise, Suri's mom) keeps reliving the same day through multiple perspectives. My day thus far, has only resembled this episode in title. However, one might say my life is a little like the plot. Tonight, I sit here in parent-teacher conferences, year four of said bi-annual conferences, having the same dialogue with nameless parents about students ranging from slacker-mouth-breathers to shining-stars seeking additional praise. I did however, just finish a conference with a student's grandma that answered the question, "Whatever happened to Mimi from the Drew Carey show?" Uncanny.

Only an hour and a half left of purusing blogs and checking political banter. I can't wait to do something worthwhile, like watch Tivo.

Why is my life better than yours? I only work until 6:30PM four days out of the year.

When two become one

Did I ever mention that my grandma was an original Spice Girl? Tag name: Country Spice. But, I don't think she looks too country in this photo.

Crackberry

Yes! I'm rich. I try to keep this detail about my life on the DL, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Now, I know what you're thinking (why do I know? Because I'm probably smarter than you. I passed the AP English test for crying in the mud.), you're thinking, aren't you a teacher? Teachers aren't generally thought of as wealthy, but I am about to dispell this myth. Sure, a father of seven whose wife doesn't work might have to pinch a few pennies, but not single ladies of leisure such as myself. All my money is mine. I don't have to share it with anybody. Especially not husbands or babies, the worst kinds of mooches. Sure I don't mind spotting my friend for a fro-yo from time to time, but generally they pay me back, and sometimes it's with a Cafe Rio. So in that case, I actually make money. Sweet!

Why am I telling you about how rich I am? Have you read the title of this blog? Well, the truth is I made an expensive purchase. That's right, I got a Blackberry Pearl. A red one, which is cooler than Lisa's white one. Now, don't go judging me because I didn't get the newest Iphone. Truth is, smudge marks all over the screen gross me out. If I was prone to break outs, which I'm not, I would never put the thing to my face. So, of course a Blackberry is a superior choice. The only problem is that it never stops dinging and/or ringing from all the notifications of my friends needing to ge a hold of me. It's tough when you have as many friends on facebook as me.

My new favorite fruit, Blackberry.

yet again, something cool.

I'm going to Costa Rica. Sorry, it's true.