25 Going On 15


It's time for some self-reflection, I've never been above that. Recently, it has become overwhelmingly apparent that I frequent the same hangouts as many of my high school counterparts. Some of these are mere flukes, going to Chili's on a Friday night (everyone needs molten chocolate cake from time to time), or going to a movie at the local megaplex (teenagers do not have a monopoly on the heart of American culture). But, in the past few weeks I've been running into high school kids all the time. This has made me ponder whether these are mere coincidences, or if I like a Lost Boy, "don't wanna grow up?"


***Please note that in the following experiences, I was never on a date, but the students I ran into, always were.


Run-in numero uno (Spanish):

The Nickelcade: I love this place. It offers every game I was ever pretty good at before games became 3 dimensional and required a newly evolutionized stem cell that controls all things Nintendo. I can play Ms. Pacman, or Mortal Kombat 3, and throw in some Skee Ball for kicks. Good old fashioned fun. Place some emphasis on the word "old," please. But no, it turns out that any era of gaming can appeal to a teen. Hence, a few weeks ago, I ran into a group of them on, of course, a date.


Run-in numero dos:

Classic Skating: Since I didn't grow up in the greater Provo area, I've always associated this place as being a college hang out. A place for us all to put on some skates from our youth and get a good laugh out of how well we still skate. Of course, this is because we've gone more times then admitted since childhood. We wouldn't go if we looked like Bambi on ice. However, a couple weekends ago, I showed up to "Classic," as we call it, for some Disco skating. I am still paying thanks in my nightly prayers that I did not dress up for the Disco theme. That fact alone would have made this whole experience rather mortifying. However, as soon as we stood in line (about a 20 minute wait), a couple of old students came and stood behind us. I decided to make the interaction as awkward as possible by saying, "Teenagers!" They began calling me Miss Collins, which was very exciting to my friends, who then asked a few embarrassing questions, until finally the girls realized that their group of more former students was standing in front of us, and moved to be in a more comforatable situation. Of course, the icing on the cake for my friends was a comment made by one of the boys in front of us. Luckily, I did not hear this myself, because scolding would have certainly ensued. But what was heard was, "Holy S***, it's f******, Miss Collins." I'm pretty sure my honor was defamed in that sentence, I'm still deciphering it's exact meaning.


Run-in numero tres:

Laser Assault: This is something I have loved for a very long time. Like jumping on a trampoline, I thought its enjoyment would have faded over time, but alas it has not. Instead, I have grown more competive with age. So, here's the scene. We were sitting at the seedy Laser Assault in South Provo, awaiting our tutorial, by someone who is clueless to the fact that working at this place is far worse than actually playing at this place. After a few nervous jokes from our guide, a group of students comes walking through having just finished a round themselves. They were sweaty from an exhausting game of assault, but that did not blur their vision from recognizing their old teacher. I played it pretty cool, but all was made awkward as the students were walking out and one of my friends yelled, "That's truancy school for all of you!" Apparently, my being a teacher is a real novelty to everyone else my age.


Reflection:

Am I too old to be hanging at these kinds of establishments? Is there an unwritten rule that as a single person, you can frequent the haunts of childhood? Who should be more embarrassed? Me or the kids?

The Economy, bah


Here's the truth, I'm sick of the economy. It's interrupting precious T.V. time, newspaper headlines, radio broadcasts, and most importantly, my life. I've contemplated how I can escape the gnawing of this ugly beast for days. Luckily, I work at one of the strongest Socialist organizations in America, so I have been phased very little by so-called "cut backs." Well that's not entirely true. We've been asked as a faculty not to buy any classroom supplies for the rest of the year, but since my budget is only $150 for said year, it's not much of a sacrifice. Looks like I won't be getting that extra box of crayolas this spring. Still, everyone is still yammering about the economy, and even worse, the stimulus package. I'm done. But, since that is anti-American, I've decided to join with my fellow citizens, in an act of patriotism, and blame everything on the ECONOMY.


Here are a few ways you can too:

1. In a reach for a fresh roll of toilet paper, you only find the materials for a homeade Christmas ornament--- Bah, the economy.

2. Anytime you want to let a child down about anything. For example, not going on vacation, the movies, the candy store, Burning Man, what have you ---I'm sorry kids, it's just the economy right now.

3. You can't drive to grandma's this weekend for her homemade gulash and potatoes--- Gas prices might be down, but sheesh, I'm not getting enough hours at work to fill the tank.

4. All the rough draft suicide notes around the apartment---jk readers.

5. A kid told me today, "I hate you."---This might only apply to junior high teachers, nonetheless I'm blaming the economy for his irrational behavior.

6. Long lines at the swingset---Everyone's looking for an inexpensive alternative these days. Poor people, stupid economy.

7. Road rage---Please assume I, or whoever else drives like a jerk, just got laid off from AIG.

8. Pretty much anytime you want to disappoint someone about anything---Things have been emotionally taxing recently, on account of my 401K dropping $1000. That darn economy.


Hopefully, we can all find the bright spot in a dark future.

After, after the final rose: Everyone BUT Molly hates Jason

Did I spend over 2 and a half hours last night watching the season finale of the Bachelor? Yes. Did I go to bed an hour and a half past my bedtime? Yes. Do I feel utterly dooped by the fascists(meanest word I could think of) at ABC? Yes. Does everyone hate Jason? Of course. Does everyone hate Molly? They should. Do I want to send cookies to Melissa? Sure do. Does anyone have her address? I hope so.
Here's the breakdown:

Meet Jason Mesnick, looking really "cool" as a water enthusiast Bachelor. Nice hat.
The two ladies he fell in love with during the show, Melissa (the best) on the left and Molly (the worst) on the right. Seriously, how far away from polygamy is this?
Jason and Melissa sharing an obviously "no chemistry" moment. That's sarcasm people.
Blah, blah, blah, I like you the most.
Cry it out Molly, in three days you will be getting a phone call from Alexis or some other woman-hating producer over at the Bachelor telling you to "hold on, wink, wink, there might be trouble in paradise. If you know what I mean?"
Oopsy daisy, I'm Jason, and I gave the final rose to the wrong "amazing" girl. Take backs.

Pictured here is Melissa, who I'm sure will have a LOT of trouble finding dates post The Mesnick.
Melissa, everyone likes you more anyway. Consider yourself having dodged a major Bachelor bullet. And thank you for mouthing a bad word about Jason, well deserved.

The best and the worst

The Best: Celine Dion

I was honored to be a guest of this international superstar/French Canadian last Sunday evening when she came to Salt Lake City. So by guest, I really mean, upperbowl center, with a blocked view of the screen due to a strategically placed lighting system. But, her melodic tones felt like they were just for me. I have a feeling that the drunk mommies in front of me felt the same as they waved their airbrushed acrylics to almost every song. Minus, of course, the chubby one stuffed into her "little black dress," with white flip flops, who took 3 bathroom breaks during the show. Apparently, the Energy Solutions Draft hits pretty hard.

Back to Celine, she was thin (leggy, more like it), beautiful lioness mane, slightly fashionable, goofy to say the least, and a voice that I think rocked Mark Eaton and John Stockton's retired over-sized jerseys more than once. I loved it! So did my mom, or at least I think. Mom remained in a statuesque seated position with her reading glasses on the entire time. She was making a point not to act too excited (think drunk mommies), as the concert was rescheduled to a Sunday night. Sinner.

Needless to say, Celine is the best!

The Worst: Cadbury Mini Eggs

By worst, I mean the most delicious little devils that peak their ugly heads every February as a form of opposition to Lent. There's no way anyone can think of giving up chocolate with those guys sitting in the seasonal aisle of your local Walgreens. UGHH. I hate getting fat before summer. Looks like I will be picking up a 12-pack of Slim Fast Optima come April. Well, as soon as all the Easter candy is no longer being clearanced.

Sushi, boo hoo


Ahhh, I'm going through "hippness" withdrawls. Why you ask? Good question, here's the answer: I haven't had sushi in over two weeks. Now, for all you yokels out there, this may not be a big deal, but for those of us waiting on Hollywood to discover us at any moment, this is a travesty. Plus, chopsticks, used correctly or otherwise, is a means to separate the "in" from the "out" crowd. Sushi is cool, and so am I.


Now, I like sushi, but not sashimi. If you don't know what that is, next time you are in a sushi joint (cool word), look for the most artsy/homeless looking individual and check out what's on their plate. It's the raw stuff. Ick. I am so all about the cute little rolls that look like hors devours, and consequently appear low fat and slimming.


It used to be that me and a few other hipsters hit up the local sushi restaurant on Tuesday nights, for what we so cleverly called, "Sushi Tuesday." Sushi is half off on Tuesday, which appeals to many of my college attending cohorts. I, of course, can afford much more expensive sushi, but I choose to eat with the chattal as a wink to my former "poor" self. However, lately, schedules have gotten busier (not mine, I don't have a boyfriend who needs scheduling, annoying) and Sushi Tuesdays are slowly becoming extinct. Will anyone help preserve this endangered species on Tuesdays at 7? Should I pick up an applique vest next time they're on sale at Penney's? Should I kiss my guest appearance on the Today Show goodbye?


Help!
P.S. If you are concerned, don't worry, I still eat fro-yo quite regularly, and I did hit up a "hole in the wall" Indian restaurant in San Francisco last weekend. I'm okay.

Check it

Now, I'm not usually in to advertising something that may be cooler than me, but, well, it is a new year. Anwayzzz, this is helping me make my life better than yours. Cool.
http://www.funtalia.com/

iLazy

I'm a gadget guru. I love them! I love all the things that robots can do for me. Recently, my "Rosie" (Jetsons reference), of choice is the (wait for it. . . ) iPhone. Please disregard any of the opinions about iPhones stated in Crackberry. I knew my life would be different with this little stocking stuffer, yep. But, I did not understand the degree to which my life would change.


But, the iPhone isn't the only thing making me a better person these days. There's so much great technology out there. At the same time, there are some really stupid ones. Open your Sky Mall magazine to reacquaint yourself with some of these, digital dog feeders, giant magnifying glasses, shower book protectors, etc. You get the picture.


Top 3 Cyborgs I can't live without. . . I imagine you can't either:

1. The Internet- I remember thinking, "I don't even know what people do on the Internet." I may have used the term "web," just because that's how the computer lab assistant phrased it back in the 90s. I'll admit that in 7th grade the sole function of the Internet for me, was to download and print pictures of Simon Rex (MTV VJ) on mtv.com. I out grew that phase, I mean really how immature? Now, I use the Internet to look at people from high school on facebook.

2. Email/text- Ugh, remember speaking to people on the phone, or worse in person? Because of this technology, I now have a slight panic attack if forced to call a number where someone besides the person I am trying to reach may answer the phone. Ghetto.

3. iPod- Having access to every song ever played in my lifetime is refreshing. I can't believe I ever sat next to the radio waiting to record a song on a cassette. How pathetic. Now, I get tired of a song after 22 seconds because I am so anxious to see what else that crazy shuffle feature can come up with. I can't wait to get my iPod implanted in my skull by A.D. 2020.


All in all the future has been okay. However, I am a little disappointed by the things not yet invented or made available for public use.

1. Hover boards- I think that we can all agree that Michael J. Fox had our mouths watering in BTTF 2. Apparently there is a fairytale of a story in which my friend Jennifer rode on a hover craft at an elementary school assembly circa '94. I've seen no evidence of its existence.

2. Teleporting- "Beam me up Scotty." The closest thing I have gotten to that is a confiscated laser light beam pen in my A4 class. Instead, I'm still sliding over paved roads like pioneers.

3. Hologram communication- Don't go telling me that Skype is the same. I want Lea (a little broken up due to signal) warning me in person. Is it too much to ask?

4. Outfit Computer- Whatever Cher was using in Clueless to get dressed every morning, I want.

Technology I am surprised is still around:

1. Phones with cords- There is one sitting on my desk.

2. Calculators- Until we learn to do math in our heads (never), this will have a place in every home office. We could also note this technology as the beginning of the dumbing of America, ah finally.

3. Overhead projectors- Most every teacher in the U.S. still uses these, and is completely dependent upon them.

4. Manual windows and door locks- How do I know these are still around? My 2003 Corolla still sports a more vintage system. No worries, in case of water submersion, I will be fine.

5. Bank Suction Tubes- This has 1970s future written all over it. However, somehow we can't seem to figure out another way to get the teller our driver's license and work check. Mind boggling.

Thank heavens the future has brought just enough technology to keep me from having to actually learn a trade. Everything one needs to know can be found in small doses on Wikipedia. Pheww.
 

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